Thursday, November 27

Post #0000

I figured, what the heck, may as well start using this blog again. I'll still try to post every day, and I will post a picture with every post, but I'm going to stop numbering and logging every post I make (and back-track, ect.). I don't need stress just because I missed a day/week/MONTH. I know that's the point, but I think Project365 was meant for more "serious" photography than my simple "take a picture of something and post it with a comment" way of doing things. Perhaps someday I'll really get in the groove of photography and give it another whirl, but for now I'll just take pictures and hope that every once in a while I'll take something stunning. I still need to get to know my camera better, anyway.

Lately, I... don't know. Usually you can sum up your "lately" with a word or phrase, such as "lately I've been lethargic" or "lately I've been reading a lot and working on my knitting." But it has literally been almost two weeks since I properly blogged or wrote a personal journal entry, so "lately I've been ____" doesn't exactly cut it. I've cleaned, I've picked up and put down books, I've hid from relatives in my room, I've watched an entire season of One Tree Hill, I've watched some porn, I've taken pictures, I've shopped, and I've dawdled around on Poupee Girl, I eaten fast food, I've felt sick, I've thought up and nixed short story plots. I've felt low, high, ecstatic, angry, giddy, moody, sad, blank, exhausted. I may not be a very social person, but I've been doing a lot of things, feeling a lot of things. I've started drawing again. I've been trying to read Twilight but the prose is truly awful and I'm stalled on page seventeen. I've gotten mad about politics. I've been excited to be alive. I've wanted to fall off the face of the Earth.

Today was one of those days, though, where I've felt so low that I was inspired to better myself. Well, just in the last hour, anyway, while lying in bed and doodling in my journal. I've felt lonely and angry at people who're supposed to be my friends and kind of exhausted with living. And sometimes when I feel that way, instead of contemplating how great it would be to just disappear forever (not suicide so much as having never existed, or having the ability to just vanish--there is a difference between being dead and being gone, technically speaking, but I'll save that for another post?), I try to get to the root of my issues.

I've mostly been thinking about the internet, what it means to me, the effect it has on my life, etc. Because lately I've been vaguly contemplating leaving the internet altogether--erasing my existence from online completely. Because I think the internet often makes it "okay" for me to run away from things. I often hide certain parts of myself because, due to my "internet personality," I have the ability to do so. I can split myself in two. Online I am happy-go-lucky nerd Japanophile politically suave Ami. So in real life I'm conservative, quiet, meek, feminine and shy Amy. And though I feel the split, I'm feeding both versions of me and that keepos me from feeling hollow about the whole disconnect.

And somehow, after a quite lengthy though process (one day, it would be interesting to sit in front of the computer and just type up every single thing that goes through my head), I came to the conclusion that the thing that is most wrong with me, which causes all of my problems, is my lacking confidence. Because I actually do that often--sit down and think about a problem, and them think it through to its core.

What can I do about my lacking confidence? First, I can start writing again. That'll make me feel better about my work ethic. Second, I can drop the friends who make me feel like shit about myself the majority of the time. Three, I can get my license and save up for (and buy) a car. I would definitely feel more self-reliant then. Four, I can get a job and move the fuck out of here. Five, I can try to talk to perfect strangers and thus make some more friends who I'll hopefully get close to and thus not have to rely on friendships with people who make me feel like a lesser individual.

ANYWAY. This is getting incredibly long and I should maybe try to get some more sleep. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and anyone who knows me at all knows full well that this is the most stressful holiday as far as my nutty family goes. Please pray for me, for tomorrow I may soon be dead.

1 comment:

Jessia said...

You're an amazing person. You really inspire me to try to better myself, although I don't have as much drive as you do when it comes to stuff like this.